im fading... fading away...

im not sure what to think right now. ive cried every day, but its come to the point where i dont even know im crying anymore, i only realize i am when the tears roll off my face onto the table.
i only blame myself, i should have fought hard i should have been stronger. how could we have come so far to lose it all? am i the only one left who will fight or im i real the one whos scared? we didnt do this for it to be this way, we didnt come this far just for it too fall, we made it for a reason. i dont know what i should do, because you dont see how amazing you really are. you can have any thing and any guy you want, your a dream come true. i know this isnt seen anymore (my blog that is). shes every where i look and everything i touch.
i miss everything about you, everything i loved:

i love and i miss just the sound of your voice
i love and i miss the sight of your smile
i love and i miss the strange you gave me
i love and i miss the care you should me
i love and i miss listening to your stories
i love and i miss helping you vent
i love and i miss being with you when your happy
i love and i miss being with you when your sad
i love and i miss making food art
i love and i miss painting pumpkins
i love and i miss painting blue turtles and zombie fish
i love and i miss your love of zelda, but unable to beat the duku tree
i love and i miss knowing that all i need to be was myself
i love and i miss standing in line to get you twilight(and that forks thing still sucked)
i love and i miss waiting three hours for a pizza
i love and i miss watching you shop for cloths
i love and i miss watching you shop for makeup
i love and i miss how you always have better ideas then me
i love and i miss how you look when you wake up
i love and i miss how you look when you sleep
i love and i miss how you where so good at convincing me to give you back rubs
i love and i miss how you made me feel safe
i love and i miss when we played tennis
i love and i miss how you called me
i love and i miss how you looked at me
i love and i miss how you believed in me
i love and i miss how you shared with me
i love and i miss how you make me try foods
i love and i miss how you would teach me things
i love and i miss how you brought me into your family
i love and i miss when you kissed me first when i was too shy
i love and i miss ridding to work with you
i love and i miss that you are so interested in so many things
i love and i miss that you trusted me
i love and i miss that first summer we had to say goodbye when you left for Purdue

thats when i knew this was love, this was real, and its exactly all i wanted. see you cry like that because you had to go. i went home and cried because i was so happy and i knew that i loved you and i reread your note you gave me and my smile didnt fade for days, you put me on top of the world.

i just miss all the little things that didnt matter but you made them fun.
i dont want to be scared i dont want to lose the only thing ive ever done right, after being wrong so may times i just didnt want you to go i fought and i will fight because thats just what i believe, because i believe in love.

i love and i miss you.

and when everything is gone. you are still there.

so its been a long time sense ive wrote on this blog and yet i still have six faithful followers lol.

things with me are different now. i had too lose the one real thing i loved. even tho we has said goodbye im not real gone, my heart hurts when it beats and i can still feel her with every breath i take, i can still even feel her hands in mine even tho there are not there. i dont want you to hurt and i dont want this to go on the way it is. its true somethings are ment to happen but its also true that we have to fight for things. maybe this was ment to be or maybe it wasnt,but really i dont care what it was i dont like it and im going to fight it with every breath i have. because when its all said and done, after everything has fallen so far, i still love. i just love you and thats all i need to know. there is bad and there is good but threw it all my love for you can only grow. im still hear, and i plan to stay, our story isnt over yet, this is just another page. you dont have to listen and you dont have to care, but my hand is reaching out to you with that same feeling, of the first summer we had. taylor swift said it as best.

Crystal, you are the best thing thats ever been mine.

im still hear when your ready and even if you are never ready again... i promise you, i still be here.
06/03/09