ice so cold, it burns.

i like sleep. sleep is the sort time when im finally at peace. for those few moments, the hate and rage fades away. i can finally be free. i breath heavy and slow. my heart is at rest, and i forget all the things that are wrong. i can feel it rush back the moment i open my eyes. my heart skipps a beat and goes into a flury of beats.i can almost feel the hate being pumped into my veins. who am i? i dont really sleep any more.

Alerion

Fuck this!
Cross my heart,
I hope you die!
Left by the road side,
Karma's a bitch right?


Suffer bitch.


in 20 years i have held in all my hate and anger for everything. i brought my self pain rather then others because i thought i always deserved it. not any more. i let out some rage sunday night. i took and orchid and a glass picture frame out into the dead of the night. then i just let some of that hate flow free and smashed the fuck out of them both. i made sure i killed that fucking flower and ripped the picture in half. i stood over the destruction for a few minutes and felt nothing. i wasnt sad about what i did. honestly the more of it that goes away the better i feel. now i sit here looking at a box wondering if i should just set it all on fire.
you brush off what you did but in the end you will know the pain you brought me. what goes around comes around. 

if you had a sex life.

well its sunday and i have gotten my dose of D.R.U.G.S heres a little taste for all of you :)
not really much to say, its been a pretty normal day. my workout is showing some good results but other then that i got nothing. hopeful something happens during the week. almost forgot RAGE comes out on tuesady so we will have that to take about. as far as i know its 3 discs long! should be fun. 21 more days till im 21! funny right?

no one man should have all that power.

the weekend? oh yes the weekend! so it turns out i didnt go to purdue as planned and i spent friday alone :((((( but staurday made up for everything! why? because i got my third date :D well...it was like 2.. in 1.. kinda... naw fuck it, it was date number 3. it broke off into 2 parts. meating at tacobell for some lunch and then her coming over for a late SCARY movie. (and yes i did this so she would get scared and get close to me. and duh it worked) i had thought about the possibility of a kiss but it just never seemed there, but it will happen at least i hope. after that i pretty much just played gears 3 alone with watching the end of a few games.

you break me down and walk away as i burn to ash. but what you fail to know is that it is not my time to die and i have rose from these ashes to be stronger then i was and now your words fall of deaf ears, because here, there is no love for you.

i have so much school shit i need to do and i also might think about working part time at my old job for some money so i can take this lovely lady out some more. i still have one day left on my weekend maybe that kiss isnt so far away :) birthday in 21 day bitchs!!!

welcome to hell

i honestly dont even fucking know... i want to put my fist through a window to watch in shatter and smash.
it seems that ill be spending this weekend alone. i can hear the air flow in this house, its so quiet. there is no movement no life. i sit back and wonder if i deserved all this from the start. i keep my life so covered in secrets that i dont even know who i am anymore. when someone takes everything from you, you become a shell. i trusted one person. and one person.. took everything and felt no sorrow and no shame and left me alone. fuck you. i hate you.

lets take it back

oh so i feel like i will revive this old pill of shit for fun! because lets be honest what else have i got to do?

so first of all i would like to start off by saying that i am finally FREEEEEEEEEEEE! and i love it. i have no more guilt and pain. there are no memories left to hold me back its all boxed up, even the bracelet that kept me tied to her has be removed. and some people think im being to mean about all this but fuck it, im doing what needs to be done. bitch deserves to suffer. but enough about that in a few days it will be nothing more then a bad dream.

on to a more positive note, i think someone might actually like me! i know its crazy cuz no one ever likes me. i had taken her out to dinner/walk followed by a movie. we had a really good time but i didnt get the ending i wanted because we drove ourselves :( and it was hot and i look a bit rough. so time went on and i tried for a second date but really didnt get any were for a while and then finally she said yes. so now date 2! now i wanted this one to work out better then the last so i stepped up my game. first off i made sure to pick her up at her house. then i got so nice cloths and was very clean cut. but i wanted to make an impression on her so i thought "flowers" but what to pick became the hard part. so i took about an hour standing in front of a million flowers thinking. i didnt want a rose because thats like over kill on a second date, and i didnt want like a weed or just a bunch of random flowers either. but then i figured it out, a daisy! it was perfect. a single daisy that had about four flowers coming off them stem. it was just right. it wasnt over kill but it said i like you and not just as a friend. so i had everything i needed now the pick up.

so i got to her house and made it up to the door just as she came out. i stayed between her and the car so i could beat her to the door to open it for her (i made sure i opened the door for her all night, she never once opened it so i did pretty good). once in i then reached behind her sit for the flower and yes it worked. so we went to a movie and she held the flower the whole time. after it was still early and i didnt want things to end just yet. she said she could go for a milkshake so instead of simply buying one for her i said "then we will make some" so when hit up the store got some icecream some resses and chocolate milk! we then went back to my house and blended up so damn good milkshakes if i do say so myself. we sat drank and talked for a little while till she need to go home so i took her back, walked her up to her door and hugged her goodnight.

now after all this we still keep talking and i surprised her one day by living a small bag of candy a note and a duck on her front door witch so also loved. and now i might get another date this weekend. lets see were this goes :)

as for the rest of my life? its good. school on the week days partys on the weekends and random xbox games coming out. oh and im 21 in less then a month, my life is right were it should be.

one last thin i also got a tattoo not too long ago. i got the zelda tri-force in the center of my chest! hard core gamer right here!

im still alive.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YdKetIHDymc

i cant feel you threw the ice around my heart

fuck this shit. im so tired of the fact that i have to feel bad for everything thats happened to me. why is it when im the one who gets left cheated on hit yelled at and disrespected im still some how a bad person who is being too mean? are you fucking kidding me? you wonder why you need be yelled at because bitch you havent suffered like i did. you should have crawled on your hands and fucking knees and begged me. you act all sad and down like you have bad luck with guys but you are the problem. you never listen you fight everything, your logic has no reason, its like you dont want things to be good you just try and find reasons to fight. i cant take it anymore, stop blamming everything else and start blamming yourself, because when you break up with someone because we are talking on the phone and your bored and 4 hours away and you blame me for that fact. you blamed me for EVERYTHING. you flirt with other guys because i could only come every weekend. nothing i did was ever good enough for you it was always expected. well no you can go have all the fun you want with aaron cuz that little bitch was to scared to talk to me and fyi he will just 2 time you like his other girl friend and like you did me. but then again you 2 can just cheat on each other and it will be like normal. im sure you already have a few guys lined up that you like i know you dont really wast any time. you never knew what it ment to love me and honestly you never will. i may die young but when i do i wont regret anything and ill be happy with the life i have, because its not about the girts i can buy you how far i traveled or any of that it was about just seeing your smiling face and knowing you were mine. but what the fuck ever none of that ever mattered to you and now you dont matter to me. i hate you and i hope what you did to me happens to you i want you to really fall in love with someone and have them cheat on you so you know how bad it feels and then ill forgive you.

death cant find me fast enough

well it looks like i my have to cross a line i never dreamed i would need to but if some people wanna push then they should have realized i push back : ). so depending on this go i might be telling you ALL the fun details about me and crystals little 2 year relationship that she so convenitly lives out when talking about it so i look like a total dick. wellllllllllllllllllllllllllll thats all going to change because if she thought i was being "mean" well i might just blow her mind.

and with this. its goodbye.

in a word "love"

love. love is not how much money you can spend on someone. its how much time you can spend with them and everyday feels like the first day.

love is being with someone not just for the positives but loving them for who they are as a whole.

and threw this i know i love her :)

i love her when shes happy i love her when shes sad

i love her on her good days and i love her on her bad

i will even love her when shes mad

i love to watch her dance to talyor swift even when its not my favorite jam.

and i always love to hold her hand

shes my rock that keeps me whole but she makes me feel needed

love is taking her out on the fanciest date but knowing when can get mcdonalds in our pj's and she will love me all the same

love with her means that i can let all my walls down

love is everything around use that seems so simple that it often gets forgotten

our love is who can beat zelda for nintendo 64 faster

i love her when she sleeps i love to watch her wake

and i love every single breath she takes

this love, our love is what it should be

knowing no matter what happens day after day that love cant be broken and that we put that love into everything we do.

i have found love and this love is the best love that can be, i feel it ever beat of my heart and with every breath i take

thank you crystal for showing me what love is and thank you even more for you family and bringing me into your life completely and thank you even even moore for still loving me one day after another.

new year. new day. same old smelly feet.

well its the start of a new year. im still on break right now and im rather enjoying it at the moment. crystal is home and i get to see her every day. Christmas was really good this year. best ive had in a long time. i spent it with crystal and her family, and she got me really cooooool stuff. a movie: despicable me (witch i just watched) a dinosaur that grows in water. a new sweatshirt that has headphones BUILT IN! some candy :) my weakness lol. and this really really great smelling soap her sister also got me a starters magic kit witch i have a trick that i can read minds and crystal has no clue how i do it, mostly because im magic. and crystal also got me this really bitchin sword (plastic so i dont hurt myself) now she got the sword because i just recently got world of warcraft witch has been very fun until just today when i tryed to log on and my account has been closed :'( it seems someone hacked my account today and they did things that arent allowed so the account has been locked and i get log in. so now i have to call them between 7am-8pm and get it all worked out, apparently this happens so it should be an easy fix but it makes me made because ive only had it for like 3 weeks!

im very pissed.

bitches.....

in other news i had a family christmas party where we exchange gifts. it seems lame i know but its fun. see you dont buy things, you take old junk from your house that you dont want and give that. we put them all in a big pile and then unwrap them. this year i put in a big monitor for like the 1930s lol my grandma ended up with it. i tryed to get this wooden moose thing that pops out chocolate, but sadly i lost it and got some odd hook hanger thing, basically it will be my gift next year.

lets see other current events... my rooms clean... kinda.. ok so its not really at all but whatever, get off my back.

well i got my grades back three "C" and "F" not the greatest i know :( but thats actually really good for me.

im gonna be a teacher!

maybe.

hopeful.

.....

anywho... not much else still got so time with crystal before she goes back to purdue witch makes me sad, hopeful wow gets fixed or ill be left to stair at the wall till the weekends when i go see her. im thinking i might just live in her lobby. its open 24/7. got nice benches.

well i guess thats all for now ill try and keep up on this from now on, but im pretty sure your the only one reading this crystal so yeah... ill still keep up on it so you have something to read :D

bye.